The Brain Damage Equation 

 

I’m tired. 

Tired of exerting so much effort, only to fall short. 

Tired of the one-sided nature of this elaborate orchestration of fake facial expressions, body language and words charade. 

Tired of how fast and mercilessly people judge me.

 Tired of the misunderstandings. 

Tired of the anxiety a potential slip-up creates. 

Tired of my reality being invisible to anyone who knows nothing about brain damage. 

Tired of the isolation and loneliness brain damage creates. 

Tired of the “sorry I can’t make it to such and such event cause I can barley talk today.”

One might suggest a “screw what other people think and do what’s best for you!” approach. It sounds all badass and awesome but only works so well in reality.

Right now, I’m gearing up to look for a job. That will require my best acting skills aquire to maintain employment.
Not the time or place to throw down a “take me or leave me, I could care less attitude.”  

I still have to communicate clearly with doctors in order to receive proper care.

I still have to be relatable to the people in my life in order to maintain relationships. 

I’m currently debating wether or not to go to a family reunion.
Can I handle six days in a strange place with 25 familiar and not so familar family members? I’m exhausted and torn up thinking about it. It sounds like torture and at the same time I worry I will regret not going.

So yeah, if there’s a well balanced middle ground, a healthy boundary that lets me get stuff done without and deal with people without totally depleating my reserves, I haven’t found it yet.

I’d look but did I mention I’m tired?

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